It’s a dream job, but why should I be praised just for taking it on?

It turns out my parenting situation is quite rare. I’m a single dad with primary custody of my two young children.

My ex and I got divorced when our kids were both under four years old. I chose to be the primary caregiver. It’s the same as every other divorce, except for the opposite gender roles.

My boys live with me. I clean and feed them, do the school runs and homework, and tuck them into bed.

I’m a single mom with one big difference (thank you, but not that) – I get endless praise for simply doing what single moms have been doing forever.

This praise comes from a crippling double standard in parenting. The bar for fathers is set far too low, and the bar for mothers far too high.

Having been a pseudo mom for five years, I’ve had first-hand exposure to the inner workings of mom groups. I’ve become familiar with the dynamics, behaviours, expectations, and the setting of standards.

From school WhatsApp groups to play dates and school pickup chats, one thing is clear. Being a ‘good’ mom seems impossible.

I have it so easy. I get to be a ‘mom’ without the guilt or societal pressures. I can opt in and out of things at will.

I can make mistakes, forget to do things, and be bad at kid-related admin, and I get a free pass every time.

Don’t want to take your kid to yet another party on the weekend? Say you’re not going because you need some ‘me time’, and they’ll tell you how good you are at looking after yourself.

Forget your kid’s swimming stuff again? Shame, you already do so much, we’ll make up the lesson for you.

The same moms who praise me for doing a worse job of parenting than them, will berate themselves for not being perfect. It’s heart-breaking to witness.

Society (mothers in particular) has such low expectations of fathers, that any form of fatherly performance is highly praised, and any failure is instantly forgiven.

It is the instant forgiveness of failure, the dad’s ‘free pass’, that stands out for me, because the same moms don’t allow themselves a free pass. Ever.

By free pass, I mean a guilt-free mistake where they don’t judge themselves or feel judged by others.

How do we lower the bar mothers set for themselves? Much of the answer lies in raising the bar for dads.

The moment we expect and demand more from dads, the less moms will feel pressured to do everything, be everything, know everything.

The more parenting responsibility us dads take on, and I mean true responsibility, not just financial, the more space we create for moms to not have to be perfect at everything.

My situation as a single dad and primary parent is rare. It shouldn’t be.

I don’t possess superpowers any more than your average mom. I chose to take on the responsibilities and learn what I needed to learn.

It’s the absolute dream job. I get praised for showing up, and I get a free pass every time I make a mistake.

My only wish is that more dads would join me, so we can work together to lower the bar for parenting, collectively reducing societal expectations, increasing forgiveness and understanding, and giving all the amazing moms out there the opportunity to not have to be amazing.