Love changes us, and in turn, over the years, love changes too

Valentine’s Day and my wedding anniversary are just 10 days apart.

With all this romance in the air, it throws into stark relief how sadly my romantic standards have slipped since my husband first took me out for sushi 10 years ago.

Now, as parents, just watching a movie in its entirety is a luxury. I also know my husband very well. Way too well, it feels sometimes.

The smallest touch, the tiniest twinkle in his eye, and I know which activity he’s planning for us when our daughter’s asleep.

So how do we rekindle the romance and find some slivers of mystery from our early, heady, lovey days?

What I’ve realised is you can’t, and shouldn’t, try to change your relationship back into what it used to be when you were freshly in love.

Like kombucha, a relationship ferments into something deliciously bubbly and unique over time.

The passage of time adds something to your connection, but it’s not always what you expect.

Here are some nuggets of wisdom from a decade of figuring things out with my number one “default activity partner”.

Your attraction changes

“Watching you put our daughter to sleep makes me attracted to you in a whole different way,” my husband told me.

That’s not something I thought was sexy, but that’s how a relationship matures and changes over time.

After all, neither of us have the bodies we had in our 20s (especially after having a baby!) and so our spark has evolved past the raw animalistic qualities it had back then.

Your roles change

With a bond and a child come responsibilities and co-dependency. I feel like my husband and I have evolved over the past decade to fit into each other like puzzle pieces.

We don’t do everything 50/50, but we do divvy up the important stuff.

He cares for our plants and garden, and is the main breadwinner and bill payer.

I stepped back from full-time work and have taken on the role of mother and house organiser.

Gender aside, this made the most sense for us when we started to make decisions for our family, and that is very different from what it was like when we were in our 20s.

The little things add up to the big things

Getting caught up in the stress of the day to day and not making time for my partner leads to us drifting away from each other and feeling disconnected, like ships passing in the night.

But by randomly grabbing lunch, prioritising regular sex and carving out moments to ‘connect’, whether that’s a chat or a meal, we are reminded that we’re not just sharing a life together, we love each other too.

I guess that after you’ve been together long enough, the magic of a relationship just looks a little different.