Two weeks away from my c-section date, my baby boy is moving around in my belly.
I feel like I’m being stretched in multiple directions as he shifts to find a comfortable position.
That position seems to be horizontal, like he’s casually tanning on a beach. My pelvis aches.
I ate a reasonable portion of dinner, and now feel simultaneously stuffed and starving. I couldn’t be more grateful.
This pregnancy was planned to a tee. I found out I was pregnant before I’d even had a chance to miss my period.
I think I was five weeks pregnant when over decaf coffee, my sister-in-law shared that she’d been so confident about her most recent pregnancy (the product of which was now happily suckling under a modest cover-up), because her morning sickness was so bad.
How I longed for morning sickness, the badge of success, a bit of proof that something was really going on inside my belly.
A week later I was holding onto my mattress like a life raft, praying I could keep my dinner down.
My “morning sickness” turned out to be all-day-but-especially-at-night sickness. I was grateful, sort of.
As my pregnancy progressed and things were less comfortable, I wondered if it was ungrateful to say I was struggling.
Surely I should be so grateful and just smile through it. Was gratitude the same as boasting?
I had some medical intervention, but I fell pregnant on the first try. A friend in her 30s was struggling to conceive, should I shrink my gratitude?
I was 41 and “running out of time” – did I deserve this more because the stakes were higher? And I’d paid for it.
I had a threatened miscarriage at seven weeks and the doctor called my pregnancy “precious”, which seemed to imply that it mattered more than someone else’s pregnancy.
Surely not. I was grateful but felt guilty too. There’s a reason that they say “comparison is the thief of joy.”
I entered my second trimester, the nausea subsided, the risk of another bleed passed, and the insomnia set in.
People started to tell me I was huge and looked ready to pop. Surely I should be on maternity leave already?
I wasn’t even half way. I hadn’t even felt the baby move yet. Despite my growing belly and scans every four weeks, I was still in a bit of denial.
I started to compare myself to other pregnant people who were cropping up like mushrooms around me.
I realised we were all on different journeys, with our own set of challenges.
It took me months to embrace the fact that the baby was measuring bigger than average, and that I had not gained much weight at all.
I had side stepped gestational diabetes and my baby was growing well. I was grateful.
The second trimester progressed, and I was exhausted. I started to feel the baby moving around 21 weeks, and that was very reassuring.
When I was honest about how I was doing, I got my fair share of “Oh, if you think you’re tired now, just wait,” comments.
This pregnancy is high risk and I have a team of specialists, one of them, a haematologist, keeping an eye on me,
So my iron was being monitored, and I discovered I was very anaemic. I had an iron infusion and within weeks, my exhaustion decreased. Now I was grateful for my high-risk pregnancy. Backstory: I have a mechanical heart valve and have been injecting myself with an anticoagulant, twice a day, since I found out I was pregnant.
Because of the dosage, this has required about four injections a day for most of my pregnancy.
So I’ve given myself roughly 800 injections at this point. I’m just grateful I was able to get pregnant at all, given the circumstances.
The third trimester is supposed to be the longest, but it feels like it’s flown.
I’m carrying a very big baby. At 37 weeks his weight was already estimated to be 3.7kg.
I’m surprised and relieved that I can still technically tie my shoes (I’ve always been able to sit with crossed legs yoga style) and I can pick up things off the floor if I drop into a deep plie (thanks to my adult ballet classes).
My back hasn’t been very sore, my ankles have remained reasonably un-puffy, and I’m only out of breath sometimes.
I thought I’d be able to do ballet throughout my pregnancy but with the bleeding risk and then the exhaustion, it wasn’t a reality. I managed a few classes here and there.
My pregnancy has not been completely smooth, but I’ve been very fortunate.
My doctors are very happy with my progress and are relieved that I’ve avoided extra complications. I’ve had so much support from family, friends, colleagues and clients. I’m finally on maternity leave and can technically rest now, except I feel like I have 100 things still to do.
I’m very grateful and I can’t feel guilty about it.