When I became a mother five years ago, nothing prepared me for the instant and increasing level of change.

Any mother will tell you what an incredible experience it is, and how much growth and learning is needed in a short space of time (and on very little sleep).

And then you discover “momstagram”.

It starts off as really helpful tips and tricks for getting your baby to sleep or how to start solids.

It’s an Instagram community that makes you feel seen during those dark midnight feeds.

As your kids get older, the tips and tricks turn into very specific instructions.

Did you know that your children should never have more than 19g of sugar in a day? You definitely can’t let them have a fizzer – instant cavities!

Screens are going to ruin your child’s attention span, no wait, it’s not how much your child watches but what they watch.

Make sure you watch with them, and have a lengthy discussion about what they learned.

I have lain in bed late at night worrying that my daughter wouldn’t trust me because I shouted at her when she ran away from me in a shopping centre.

I have watched every word I say to her in case using the phrase “good job” too much leads her to only perform for approval.

I couldn’t find the time to do a weekly toy rotation and the guilt ate away at me.

The list of advice is endless. There is a massive industry of influencer “experts” making a lot of money off of the anxiety of new parents.

I have spent plenty on online courses, books and gadgets, to be the best parent possible.

With my first daughter I made all of her baby food myself from fresh, organic ingredients. I judged other moms who fed their babies from “pouches”.

I ordered the best baby drinking cup from the US, because apparently sippy cups do not teach babies proper drinking skills.

I was horrified when my mother gave my daughter a Marie Biscuit before she turned one.

At a Moms & Babies class, I’ve heard moms worry that putting hard-soled shoes on your toddler will ruin their arch development, or that giving your 1-year-old daughter cow’s milk will cause her to develop her period early.

I immediately felt guilty that my daughter had plastic sandals on.

How can one person possibly contain so many worries?

There are few of us who have the privilege of being full time homemakers, and who could possibly dedicate all of our energy into becoming child development experts.

Most of us are juggling parenthood alongside a job, never mind personal interests or self-care.

In fact, right now, my 18-month-old is under the table, drawing on her face with koki.

The momfluencers love to tell us how we can’t be good parents unless our cups are also full.

The buzz-phrase online for busy mothers is “mental load”: all the worries and to-dos that moms must carry in their heads to take care of a family.

While this began as a recognition of everything moms do, it has become something insidious. It includes blaming husbands for not knowing instinctively how to take on half of the load.

I began to feel resentment toward my husband because I felt like I was suffering so much.

Until I looked harder and saw how much love and care he was putting into our family, including watching insufferable online parenting courses with me late at night.

So why did I feel like I was about to implode with the weight of taking care of my kids?

Perhaps the reason we feel like we’re going crazy isn’t because we don’t have a telepathic partner that will take half of our troubles away, but because we’re worrying about too many things that don’t matter that much, while judging each other for all the things we’re most anxious about.

There are a few key influences on a child’s success and stability in later life: having a parent (and/or parent figures) who love them; living in a safe and predictable home; having access to a variety of foods and the ability to play.

The only extra activity that has been proven to make a real difference is to read to them every day. That’s it.

When I had my second child, the experience was so different.

I wasn’t worried about every tiny detail. I tried my best to live in the moment. It has been a joy.

She ate baby food that came out of a pouch.

She had a cake made with real sugar for her first birthday. She has not had her days scheduled with baby gymnastics, swimming lessons, daily dance sessions and baby massage.

And we’re both happier for it.

To all the moms who are trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal they have seen online, here is your sign to let go of the mental load.

Stop worrying about what the other moms and influencer experts are thinking about you.

Stop judging other moms who are doing things their own way. Stop blaming your partner for all your unhappiness.

Focus on the things that matter, loving your kids and spending time with them.

Everything else is a bonus.