About 10 years ago, when I first visited life coach Judy Klipin, I think I sobbed for the full duration of at least three sessions.

After listening to my tale of woe at the first one, she looked at me and said, “You are burnt out – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. That’s where we need to start.”

I had taken myself off to life coaching for an entirely different reason, but Judy was absolutely spot-on. (She usually is.) And it would take me about six years to properly recover from that burnout – when you’re a self-employed parent of two teenagers, and you then go through a divorce with all that entails, taking time off to rest is just not an option. And really, rest is a huge part of the cure.

So, it took years. It also took a lot of paring back of my life to the barest essentials in terms of commitments, a lot of asking for help (never a strength of mine), and most importantly, learning to say no.

My mantra became, “Remember that ‘no’ is a full sentence.” In other words, you don’t have to explain or make excuses or justify your decision. You can simply decline.

I said no to many things – I put down my Master’s. I gave up running Brownie and Girl Guide groups. I left my marriage. I barely socialised.

I didn’t have the energy to knit or sew or read. I did manage to write some songs, curiously, but apart from that it was work, parenting, and survival.

Fast forward to lockdown in March 2020, and the months that followed. I’ll be honest, there was a lot I loved about lockdown. It was a time for me to retreat properly and heal, and I really loved the curfews.

My bedroom at the time overlooked the street, and for the first time since we’d moved there, it was quiet.

But as time progressed, and I finally felt the burnout lift properly, I realised just how much my world had shrunk – get up, work, watch TV, sleep, repeat.

I also had a daughter writing matric and then doing first year of university remotely, so I probably had to deal with some meltdowns too.

It was time to start saying yes – but to what? I had lived in various degrees of burnout for so long that I didn’t even know what I liked anymore; what I considered fun. It was time to start exploring.

And it was harder than I expected. I had gone from being very extroverted to being completely introverted.

Even just the thought of socialising could make me tired, and so I started putting things into practice that had been suggested by both Judy and my therapist over the years.

Instead of entertaining 20-plus people at a time as I had before, I had one or two friends over for tea and cake. I made a list of people I routinely socialised with, and thought about who energised me and who drained my energy – and deliberately sought out the company of the former.

I bought myself a decent oven so I could start cooking and baking again. My lockdown sourdough starter is still going strong! I started showing an interest in going to the theatre.

About 18 months ago, I found a choir to join, and about a year ago, I moved back to be closer to my friends and my regular haunts.

Judy often says that burnout is not caused by doing too much – it’s caused by doing too many of the wrong things. I was certainly guilty of that, but to such an extent that I didn’t even know what the right things were anymore.

It took trial and error – and baby steps – and I’m still in the process of discovery.

I took sewing lessons for a while, but the commitment of several hours every Saturday morning at the same time was too much for me.

Singing in a choir has given me both the joy of singing and a no-pressure community. Living in a more central neighbourhood with trees, as well as shops and restaurants within easy walking distance, has done things for my soul that I can’t even express.

I have a friend who regularly joins me on theatre outings, and my brain is filling up with sewing projects I want to tackle. These are all great signs.

And I’m still experimenting. I’m glad I learnt the crucial life skill of saying no (and I would remind you that every time you say yes when you really don’t want to, or shouldn’t, you’re actually saying no to yourself), but I’m excited about moving into this new space.

Because it’s a space where I don’t just say yes out of a need to please other people. It’s a space where I am saying yes to me more often, and designing a life that works for me.

I’ve said no, I’ve pared back, I’ve figured out what has value for me, and now it’s time to say yes to a brand new way of living, and a brand new, more grounded me.