Once upon a time I was a well-dressed person who left the house on time, held down a respectable job, enjoyed leisurely gourmet cooking, and was a semi-workaholic.

Then my kid arrived, and shortly after, so did Covid, and everything I knew went out the window.

When we became parents we had never changed a nappy or made a bottle of formula. We had never babysat, or rocked an infant to sleep, or felt a tiny hand curling over a finger.

I was so unprepared for parenting that I signed up for Zulu lessons to occupy me on maternity leave.

Of course, I knew that all babies cried, every day, and that crying is healthy because the baby trusts that someone is there to hear their cry… and yet I felt a little oh of surprise when my perfect darling screwed up her face and turned red because she was bawling so much.

 This angelic being who appears carved from the very sun itself is actually a real person with real lungs and real tears?

When you’re a parent there are also lots of substances involved. Oh sure, there are the usual suspects like the baby vomit and the poos that would emerge like alien snakes mid-nappy change – but what really got me was the stickiness.

Everything is always sticky. Including Calpol, the raspberry-red magic potion for fevers that we carried everywhere, and that we were guaranteed to spill at least twice while dosing up.

Life became a whirr of laundry, microwave meals, sleep deprivation, and anxiety. My baby was perfect; the world around me not so much.

We relocated to Cape Town from Joburg, my husband changed jobs and I changed careers.

Our changes were so fast and so hard that I had a persistent fantasy we’d fallen down a wormhole into an alternative universe and that one day I’d wake up and find myself in the forecourt of Sandton City all over again.

And yet we made it. We found refuge in mountain walks and playing on the beach. We found a community of like-minded parents and cheerful kids for play dates and solidarity. We got used to being ambushed in the bathroom.

Somewhere along the way, I realised my baby was teaching me about finding joy, expressing emotion, standing up for herself, and living more freely.

I started slowing down, paying attention to colours and flowers and the feel of water on my hands.

So here is my best advice for surviving early parenthood:

1. Brush your teeth as soon as you wake up, because otherwise you might not get to it all day.
2. Always take a snack with you.
3. Get free Takealot delivery by adding a bag of nappies to your order.
4. It’s okay to have a tantrum. Those tears are better out than in. Equally, it’s okay to hold the line when someone’s having a tantrum. Your needs still matter.
5. If you are having a tantrum, check whether you need food, drink, or rest, and then do those things.

My daughter is 5 now. It’s a bit more work to get free Takealot delivery now that we’re not buying nappies anymore (and yes, that period felt like it would last forever).

We’ve swapped baby vomit for brewing magic potions and conducting science experiments.

While the stickiness quotient has changed, I’m still trying to balance my needs with hers.

And yes, I’m still trying to brush my teeth as soon as I wake up, and probably always will.