I’m a sucker for a good romantic comedy. There’s something very satisfying, even calming, about their predictability and “happily ever after” ending.

But if that’s where you’re learning your relationship lessons, you might want to change your approach.

Romcoms follow a pretty formulaic plot. We meet the characters and their goals. They meet each other (the meet cute), and the sparks begin to fly. Then there’s a complication – conflicting goals, significant others, meddling friends or family – and a storm starts to brew.

There’s a second turning point where physical romance comes into play, even if it’s just a kiss, and then there’s a crisis. It all falls apart.

We fear they may never get back together. Finally, one or both realise how idiotic they’ve been and one or both apologise. There may be a storm or a mad dash to the airport. And then they all live happily ever after.

But do they? Let’s break it down.

Firstly, at least one of them usually assumes they’ll find ”The One”. But when you’ve got millions of people to choose from, the maths don’t add up.

What if your “The One” is born in a different country to you and your paths never cross? You’re far more likely to meet someone in your broader circle.

Second, the meet cute. Yes, you can linger by the watermelons and waggle your eyebrows at any likely candidates in the hope that someone waggles theirs back, or trip over some innocuous object and hope the person of your dreams is there to catch you, or help you up, but it’s far more likely you’ll meet them in a place where other people with similar interests hang out.

Join a running club, take up pottery, take up hobby horsing. Your people are out there, but probably not in your local bar.

Let’s assume you’ve found love on the curling rink. Things are going well, and then an obstacle arises. If it’s big enough that you break up, I can pretty much guarantee that a rain-soaked soliloquy or a midnight run through the streets of New York on New Year’s Eve aren’t going to fix it.

Things might have to get down and dirty, and then you might have to revisit that issue again. And there will be others.

At this point you’re probably thinking I’m a huge cynic about love. I assure you, I am not. I can swoon with the best of them. I watched and loved all of Meg Ryan’s romcoms (with the exception of City of Angels, which is a story for another column).

The Julia Roberts ones, the Jennifer Aniston ones, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – I’ve watched them all and would happily do so again.

But here’s what I’ve learned about romantic relationships. Loving someone is a decision, because love is an action. It’s a verb.

It’s not just the warm and fuzzies – although of course you will feel those, and you should absolutely find your partner sexually attractive despite their hairy back or penchant for wearing socks with sandals.

A lot of the time, however, you might not feel so well disposed towards them – when you disagree, when one or both of you is going through something hard, when a child is ill, or refuses to sleep until 4am for the second week in a row. In those moments, you have to remember that you chose to love this person, and choose it again.

You cannot love someone into being a better person. Your love is not going to change them. If you can’t love them exactly the way they are, it’s probably not going to work.

People really don’t change that much, and often their flaws become more pronounced over time. That said, you do need to prepare for your relationship to change over time, because it will. And that’s okay, so long as both of you are committed to making it work.

Relationships take work. They take intention. They mean never taking the other for granted. That can be really hard between the curveballs life throws at us and the responsibilities we carry. Some days it takes work every hour.

Communication is everything. Yes, infidelity can wreck a relationship. Yes, financial stresses can do the same. Sexual problems can leave partners feeling like roommates instead of a romantic couple.

But all of those can be overcome if you communicate well. That means being honest about what you need, what you’re feeling, and what’s not working, even when (especially when) it’s uncomfortable. It means listening without getting defensive.

It means saying the hard things before they become deal-breakers. In romcoms, the big declaration of love fixes everything. In real life, it’s the thousand small conversations that keep you connected.

So yes, watch the romcoms. Enjoy the escapism, the perfectly timed rain showers, the improbable airport sprints. Let yourself swoon at the grand gestures and the witty banter.

But when the credits roll and you’re back in your actual life with your actual partner (or looking for one), remember this: real love isn’t about finding The One who completes you.

It’s about choosing someone imperfect, being chosen back, and doing the unglamorous, daily work of staying connected.

That’s not as cinematic as running through New York on New Year’s Eve. But it’s a lot more reliable than waiting for a meet cute in the fruit section of your local Spar.