True love is hard to find, but fake love is always just a click or two away

After the Tinder self-esteem catastrophe of 2018, I swore off online dating completely. I basically lost my mind for about three days.

Between the addictive physical action of the swipe, the shiny notifications and pings, to the ego-punishing ‘banter’, I was a small ball of self-loathing and terror by the end.

I decided dating apps were not for me. I am not easy to translate into a pithy bio and some “this is my best side” selfies. I need to be experienced, in real life, to be understood and possibly loved.

The result? Not much dating action in the last two years.

I was okay with this. I was comfortable to build a life that made me happy and wait for the gods to arrange something.

Then, against all odds, a good friend of mine meets the most amazing man – smart, kind, funny, good with her kids. He thinks she is just the best, and she is as enamored with him.

It’s great. She totally deserves this. I am happy for her. Obviously, I am also so envious I could spit.

The most incredible part. They met on Dating Buzz. In 2021. “What?” I hear you say. I respond with “I know!” and “How?!”

So, I think, if this miracle can happen in the leafy Cape Town suburb of Kenilworth, why shouldn’t it happen in Observatory? I go for it.

I create a profile, pay the small monthly fee, and off I go, full of optimism and hope.

Spoiler alert, it wasn’t great.

First, there was SpicyIndian55 from Centurion, Gauteng who, essentially, was looking for an erotic pen pal.

No thank you.

Then FunGuy101 from Hillcrest KZN who was ‘naughty’ and wanted to swap photographs. Naughty? What kind of a word is that for a grown man to use?

Will we both be thrown into a time-out if his parents catch us? Is his big sister going to tell on us?

So. Not. Hot.

Not to mention that I have an entire internet full of professional photographers and models available to me any time of day or night, should I need to see a picture of any kind. Why, for the love of all things holy, do I need a picture from him?

No thank you.

But the final straw was CountryLiving69, a 70-year-old man living in Langebaan on the West Coast, who felt that we were a match.

His only worry was distance but, he placated, it’s not really such a long way between the Lagoon and Cape Town.

To be clear. I am 47, I have two teenage kids, and a truckload of debt. What exactly does this man think he is going to do with me? What is his plan?

There is a bit more than 133 km in the way of this successful union.

No. Just No.

It was at this point that I cancelled my subscription and deleted my profile.

An improvement on the last online dating experience was that my self-esteem was still intact. Optimism and hope, unfortunately, were pretty much obliterated.

I keep being reminded of the saying in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, which is: You are (or in this case, I am) not the exception. My friend is the exception. She is the urban myth.

The middle-aged woman who met a really nice man online and is now happily in a relationship.

I shall tell other single women of her in hushed reverent tones, and we shall all look to the sky and pray “please let it happen for me.”

So, all this brings me back to the theory that real-life is where it is for me.

My plan is the same as it was at the beginning of 2021 – to build a life that is magical and filled with experiences, friends, and delights that are beyond my imagining.

Because partnered or not, I intend to have a bloody good time for the rest of this year. Summer fun, I am coming for you.